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Dear Annie: I have been best friends with a girl I grew up with for over 50 years now. When I was about twelve, I remember coming home from her house angry because of the way her father had treated her. He was always very cold and abrupt, and he treated her less than her older sister.
I confided in my parents about this and they more or less shrugged it off. My parents, thinking that I had left the room and was out of earshot, started talking about this and I heard my father say that it was probably because this man was not my friend’s real father. To their horror, I immediately came back into the room and asked what that meant. They tried to come back, but I knew what I heard and wanted an explanation. They sat me down and told me he wasn’t her biological father. They didn’t give me any details because I was only twelve, but they did make me promise never to say a word. I kept that promise for forty years, even after both her parents passed away.
Now she recently informed me that she is interested in her family tree and that she wants to have her ancestors recorded through one of those DNA sites. I am now beside myself with guilt! I’m so scared she’s going to find out the truth. On the one hand, it might explain her father’s behavior towards her, but on the other hand, how would I react if she told me if she found out? Would I admit that I’ve always known it, or just pretend that it’s news to me too? Should I just go ahead and tell her what I know? I certainly don’t want to lie to such an important person in my life, but I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Since I became an adult, I have talked about it with my parents, who explained how this all happened 54 years ago. I now have all the information, but what should I do with it? — Struggling
Best wrestling: As a child, you were faced with an impossible choice: betray your parents’ trust or that of your best friend. More than 50 years later, you find yourself in the same lose-lose situation.
Honesty is usually the best policy, but in this case it will only hurt her more and possibly destroy your friendship forever. Ultimately, it wasn’t up to you to share the truth about your girlfriend’s father with her. For whatever reason, she is now curious about her family’s roots and sounds like she is ready to accept whatever information comes her way. As hard as it is to continue this charade, your girlfriend will be even more heartbroken when she finds out that both her family and her best friend have been lying to her all these years. Be willing to support her by learning the truth. She’ll need it.
Dear Annie: The stressed senior who didn’t know what to study should consider attending a local junior college for two years. One of my daughters didn’t know what she wanted to do and it was a good choice for her. She didn’t have to declare a major and just started taking general classes. The low price allowed her to try out additional things.
She also lived at home and found a good job so she could save money. One of the reasons for the enormous student debt is that people often change their studies. If they earn an associate degree and transfer it to a university, this counts as your first two years.
I’ve also heard of kids going to trade school to learn a skill like welding. They immediately find a job – and some do fine sculpture in their spare time! Don’t give community colleges a discount! The skills they learn are rapidly emerging and cost much less than college. — Other options
Best other options: Some of you have signed up with advice for “Stressed” with practical alternatives to a traditional four-year college. Things like vocational training or high school are fantastic options for those who want to learn a trade, save money, or just take a little extra time to figure out their path forward.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearanie@creators.com.
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